Healing

So I had a little injury.

Some time off skates, rest & physio, and I am healing great.

My knee bends and does things knees should do.

I have learned to treat my knee with a bit more love too.

My problem isn't my knee.

My BRAIN is broken!

Before you all freak out,

I don't have anything actually wrong with my brain.

I am just SCARED!

I am so excited to be back on skates.

But I am also scared.

Not in that fun way either.

You know what I mean right?

That exciting time where you are learning a new skill.

It's scary exciting!

The first block!

The first time you get on a jammer line!

Or as above

but inside the pack is a skater you admire,

and by admire I mean scares the day lights out of you.

You know?

Scary exciting!

At the moment I don't have that.

I am excited & scared.

Not the same at all!

It is horrible.

I have lost a spark that I had.

My name is Smiles for freaks sake,

but can I freaking smile?

Well I can..

but I am all over the shop.

I am kind of manic.

I go from feeling sorry for myself ,

to feeling motivated & happy.

I go from being proud of everyone's progress,

to getting slightly jealous & sad...

Mostly sad..

Sadness is dangerous.

It makes me want to come back to early.

In fact I did go back to early...

But that's not important now.

As I am healing and doing the right things.

Fear & sadness combined with crazy moods,

well that is super dangerous.

By dangerous, I mean bad for the spirit.

I am scared of getting hurt again,

being crap,

losing my achievements,

being a weak link, losing my place...

the list goes on & on..

That is a hard monologue to have in your head,

while you are learning a new skill.

Don't get me wrong,

I will be back!

I won't give up!

in - fact I am coming back,

slowly, slowly catch the derby monkey.

But who would have thought,

the hardest part of recovering

from a knee injury, would be healing my broken brain.

I just really am looking forward to feeling

Scary excited again!

My Derby 101 & reasons.

1. Compare yourself to yourself!

Because other wise you will miss your great achievements.

2. GO TO TRAINING!!!

In fact that should be number one.. but in all honesty, it's the only way you will improve, not just as yourself, but as a valuable team mate....

3. HAVE FUN!

After all we work to hard on it and we don't get paid, if we are not having fun, well.. why.. are we doing all those bloody push ups?

4. DO Not Underestimate ANY ONE!

That girl you snigger at now, may just be the one to send you in the air later on.

We are all doing our best, we are all working hard.

Don't be mean , don't be nasty, we all have been worse skaters and we all desire to be better skaters. Don't get mad because a team mate isn't "as good as you yet".

DMD (aka the derby mind demon)

So when I started roller derby,

I was the one that always took a little longer to grasp skills.

But I never let it get me down.

I went into the streets and practiced extra hard.

I always knew I would get there, and by there I mean I knew I would achieve the next goal.

I never felt like quitting, no matter how hard it got.

I mean anything that made me not care about, how big my bum was, or how my body looked at all, was well... worth it. After all I have had major body issues since grade 3 (yep primary school).

Derby made me feel strong and happy.

I rarely felt sad, as I had derby.

But just when you would think all my derby dreams came true.

I am at my derby lowest. I should be jumping over the moon.

I am drafted, to the team I wanted to be too.

I have worked for a little over a year to achieve this.

By worked I mean I have worked hard.

I couldn't skate at all, now I am a bouting skater.

That is a massive achievement.

But I feel like some one hit me with an eraser ray.

I feel like I know nothing about derby.

Also all the fears and self awkward crap ,

that derby seemed to magically erase.

Is back,

back with meaner

& more evil

& louder voices.

It's enough to make me want to quit.

Yep, the struggle that so many others face,

that I thought I never would.

Is punching me in the face.... hard.

Okay, this was a saved post that I was too scared to post a few months ago..

But I think it's important so I will post it.

Now with how I feel today.

So I have a bout and an amazing bootcamp under my belt.

I actually trust myself a bit more.

I would never EVER quit derby.

But I have also learned derby isn't a magical cure all.

Some issues have to be dealt with properly.

But I do always feel better with my skates on.

Some people will make you feel shit,

But over all the derby community is great.

On the days you feel shit, make sure you have a buddy at training.

One that won't make you cry for messing up a drill.

You are not going to like / get along with everyone in your league,

& not every one will like or get along with you.

That is okay!

But every one should still treat every one with some form of dignity & respect.

No matter peoples skating ability etc..

Some people will hurt you.

Don't let it get in the way of your skating.

Some people will encourage you with a bunch of words,

and those same words from someone else can make you cry for hours.

Don't let it get in the way of your skating.

All I know is that I love Derby,

for all it's magical highs, lows & in-between's.