Thursday, November 24, 2011


So I had a little injury.
Some time off skates, rest & physio, and I am healing great.
My knee bends and does things knees should do.
I have learned to treat my knee with a bit more love too.

My problem isn't my knee.
My BRAIN is broken!
Before you all freak out,
I don't have anything actually wrong with my brain.

I am just SCARED!
I am so excited to be back on skates.
But I am also scared.
Not in that fun way either.

You know what I mean right?
That exciting time where you are learning a new skill.
It's scary exciting!
The first block!
The first time you get on a jammer line!
Or as above
but inside the pack is a skater you admire,
and by admire I mean scares the day lights out of you.
You know?
Scary exciting!

At the moment I don't have that.
I am excited & scared.
Not the same at all!
It is horrible.

I have lost a spark that I had.
My name is Smiles for freaks sake,
but can I freaking smile?
Well I can..
but I am all over the shop.
I am kind of manic.

I go from feeling sorry for myself ,
to feeling motivated & happy.
I go from being proud of everyone's progress,
to getting slightly jealous & sad...
Mostly sad..

Sadness is dangerous.
It makes me want to come back to early.
In fact I did go back to early...
But that's not important now.
As I am healing and doing the right things.

Fear & sadness combined with crazy moods,
well that is super dangerous.
By dangerous, I mean bad for the spirit.

I am scared of getting hurt again,
being crap,
losing my achievements,
being a weak link, losing my place...
the list goes on & on..
That is a hard monologue to have in your head,
while you are learning a new skill.

Don't get me wrong,
I will be back!
I won't give up!
in - fact I am coming back,
slowly, slowly catch the derby monkey.

But who would have thought,
the hardest part of recovering
from a knee injury, would be healing my broken brain.
I just really am looking forward to feeling
Scary excited again!

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