Healing

So I had a little injury.

Some time off skates, rest & physio, and I am healing great.

My knee bends and does things knees should do.

I have learned to treat my knee with a bit more love too.

My problem isn't my knee.

My BRAIN is broken!

Before you all freak out,

I don't have anything actually wrong with my brain.

I am just SCARED!

I am so excited to be back on skates.

But I am also scared.

Not in that fun way either.

You know what I mean right?

That exciting time where you are learning a new skill.

It's scary exciting!

The first block!

The first time you get on a jammer line!

Or as above

but inside the pack is a skater you admire,

and by admire I mean scares the day lights out of you.

You know?

Scary exciting!

At the moment I don't have that.

I am excited & scared.

Not the same at all!

It is horrible.

I have lost a spark that I had.

My name is Smiles for freaks sake,

but can I freaking smile?

Well I can..

but I am all over the shop.

I am kind of manic.

I go from feeling sorry for myself ,

to feeling motivated & happy.

I go from being proud of everyone's progress,

to getting slightly jealous & sad...

Mostly sad..

Sadness is dangerous.

It makes me want to come back to early.

In fact I did go back to early...

But that's not important now.

As I am healing and doing the right things.

Fear & sadness combined with crazy moods,

well that is super dangerous.

By dangerous, I mean bad for the spirit.

I am scared of getting hurt again,

being crap,

losing my achievements,

being a weak link, losing my place...

the list goes on & on..

That is a hard monologue to have in your head,

while you are learning a new skill.

Don't get me wrong,

I will be back!

I won't give up!

in - fact I am coming back,

slowly, slowly catch the derby monkey.

But who would have thought,

the hardest part of recovering

from a knee injury, would be healing my broken brain.

I just really am looking forward to feeling

Scary excited again!